"But those who HOPE in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
~Isaiah 40:31
The healing process in any loss can be interesting. Many people can recall learning or hearing about the five stages of grief. Thanks to miss Elsabeth Kubler-Ross for introducing us to what seemed to be information in a textbook, but now has turned into valuable information to process and understand when dealing first hand with grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance...I can say that I have successfully dealt with all of these emotions.
My heart in sharing where we have been and where we are now is to personally continue to heal, but also to allow those who have miscarried as well to understand your not alone.
So here is our story of HOPE:
TODAY February 27, 2013 was our due date for our sweet child. The picture above was our first ultrasound of the little one measuring at 6 weeks and one day, although I was 8 weeks along.
Yes, its a little dot, but one of the most important dots in our life that will forever change our family. We were given the news that more than likely we will be miscarrying our baby. Denial showed its face immediately. Not me. Not now. The baby will make it if I have anything to do with this! After many blood tests it was confirmed, we would then have to wait for my body to reject what was to be good. But I wasn't mentally going to reject what I had always hoped for. Three weeks later because nothing was happening, we made the decision to have a D&C. I'm sure I was angry and boy did I bargain at this point. But it was time to accept that our child wouldn't physically be part of this life. And to think that our baby's life is actually MUCH greater than what this earth offers, gives me joy.
After months and months of processing, praying, and crying...I want to share with you how precious our God is to bring love, joy and hope to our lives. Its pretty easy to see situations with "worldly" or human eyes. The way you view the situation, is just the way it is (if that makes sense). For example, the day we told the Dr. we would do the D&C, I was seeing it as the Dr. going in and sucking out a baby and cleaning me out.
God however showed me his view, a spiritual view. I wish I was a much more eloquent writer and could paint a beautiful picture of what happened that day. I don't think I will ever be able to fully describe what I saw, but boy do I wish you were there with me to see it! Adam was holding my hand on the left and Jesus was on my right side. As devastating as the news was in that moment, something so beautiful happened. The Lord came around in front of me and delivered our sweet baby BEFORE we even went into surgery. God has been so good to me to show me with "spiritual eyes" what was REALLY happening. And there we were in the room seeing Jesus holding our baby, safe in his arms, ready to go home. This picture has healed my soul. Brought peace to our lives. And given us hope for the future.
One of the biggest things I have been praying for these past 6 months is for a name for our baby. Although we never knew the sex, its been very important for me to honor our baby and give a name. Just last month I spent a weekend with some beautiful moms on a retreat. The last night we spent time praying for each other. No one there knew I was praying for the Lord to give us a name. My sweet friend Kate at the end told me God showed her a picture of me painting on a wall. And I was painting the word HOPE. The Lord said YES. This is your name. Your baby will be called HOPE.
Hope has been a word since the beginning of this journey. We have always said we are hopeful for our family to grow. We have continued to rest in the hope the Lord has given us. Hope has developed our faith. "Faith is being sure of what we hope for, certain of what we do not see." Hope has brought healing from the past and strength for our future. Hope is our joy. Hope is our first child's name.
Happy due date Baby Hope! We long to see your face and eagerly await that day when we are reunited in heaven. We promise to never forget you and to always honor you. Thank you for teaching us so much already about being a strong family.
"We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And HOPE does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." ~Romans 5:2-5
